The Universal Solution
by Lady Salmakia
Summary: Han has an idea. (And knowing Salmakia...it's a pretty dumb one!)


a/n: Further proof that Salmakia is insane. Inspired by something in Children of the Jedi about Engine Tape holding everything together. Salmakia has a feeling Engine tape is gray and shiny and looks an awful lot like something we've got on earth.  
  
Disclaimer: A statement made to save one's own ass. I don't own this stuff folks.  
  
  
Han had an idea.  
  
Han had a wonderful, awful idea.  
  
It was the middle of the night and he had a wonderful, awful idea.  
  
It was the middle of the night, he had a wonderful, awful idea and he had to pee.  
  
Han went pee and then he thought about his idea.  
  
Engine Tape.  
  
Han had seen engine tape fix broken limbs and broken hearts. He had built temporary shelters out of the stuff. Heck, half of the Falcon's circuits were made of it. Engine tape had held the Rebellion together.  
  
Why shouldn't it hold the New Republic together too?  
  
He would start right away. No, Han forgot that he didn't have any engine tape and no where would be open this late that sold it. Han went back to sleep. First thing the morning, he'd get some engine tape.  
  
Of course, Han had neglected to remember that on Coruscant something was always open. He certainly could have gotten engine tape.  
  
Bright and early. First thing in the morning. It was more like afternoon really, but that didn't stop Han. He had a mission. He had to get engine tape.  
  
Han walked into the hardware store on Coruscant. He looked around until he found the aisle with engine tape and loaded up a cart with it. He went to the cashier. The cashier rung up all the engine tape.  
  
"That'll be fifty credits," the cashier said.  
  
"Listen pal, I'm going to use this stuff to save the New Republic."  
  
"That'll be fifty credits."  
  
"But I'm going to save the government. I should get it free."  
  
"That's nice, sir. Fifty credits please."  
  
"Look, I'm a New Republic General and I want this engine tape free gratis!"  
  
"I'm sure you do, sir. That'll be fifty credits."  
Han paid the fifty credits and left, grumbling about the decline of the economy.  
  
First stop was the Senate. Han threw open the doors and let them swing back and forth, slamming against the walls. He was grinning and holding the big bag of engine tape. Leia looked at him from her place like he'd gone crazy. Mon Mothma stood up.  
  
"General Solo. What is the meaning of this?"  
  
"I'm going to save the New Republic."  
  
"I don't think he should," said Fel'ya (Spelling?)  
  
"I think we should hear his idea," said Admiral Ackbar.  
  
"I think we should get back to our own business and forget he's here," said Bel Iblis.  
  
"I think you're all going to agree for once," said Han.  
  
Han rounded up all the senators and taped them together. He then put tape over all of their mouths except for Leia's.  
  
"You'll all take turns having a day to be the voice of the New Republic. This way you have to agree. Today is Leia's turn."  
  
"Han, are you feeling all right? Maybe you should go to the sick bay....or get a psychoanalytic 'droid."  
  
"I'm feeling great. You make all the decisions today sweetheart!"  
  
Han left the Senate and the struggling mass of Senators who were taped together.  
  
Next, he went to the main hangar to find more of his friends, but first he made a few quick-and-dirty repairs on the Falcon, with the engine tape of course!  
  
The first person he saw was Wedge Antillies.  
  
"Hi Wedge," said Han.  
  
"Hey," said Wedge. "Is there something I can do for you?"  
  
"Yeah. What would make you happy?"  
  
"Hmmm. That's a hard one. I guess I'd like a vacation."  
  
Han taped Wedge into a shuttle.  
"Hey! What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm making you happy. I'm going to make everyone happy! I'm going to save the New Republic!"  
  
Han set the shuttle's course for a nice resort planet and sent Wedge off.  
  
Next, Han found Callista. Salmakia doesn't know what she was doing wandering around the hangar, but she suspects it has something to do with her just having finished Children of the Jedi.  
  
"Callista!"  
  
"Hi, Han."  
  
Han taped a thermal detonator to her and...uh...detonated it.  
  
And there was much rejoicing. (Salmaia doesn't like Callista.)  
  
Next, Han found Luke and Mara. He did the obvious thing. He taped them together.  
  
"Han, are you feeling ok?" Luke asked.  
  
"Just fine! You two play nice."  
  
"He's snapped," Luke said as Han walked away.  
  
"We'll make the best of it, Skywalker," Mara said.  
  
Luke blushed.  
  
Han taped lots more things together that day. He taped various mechanics together. He taped a bunch of 'droids to power sources. He taped Threepio's mouth shut.  
  
"Now EVERYBODY's happy!"  
  
Han got into the Falcon. Chewie protested from the co-pilot's chair where he was taped down. He asked where they were going.  
  
"I've done such a good job making people happy here, I thought I'd go make everybody happy everywhere!"  
  
And Han went everywhere.   
  
He taped all the Ewoks to all the Gungans so they could annoy each other to death.  
  
"Mesa Jar-Jar. Whosa you?"  
  
The Ewok taped to Jar-Jar tried to beat him out of existence like he did the phone in Hello-phone. It didn't work too well.  
  
Han taped lightsabers into the hands of all the Jedi-trainees on Yavin IV. He taped Lando to a sabbacc table in a nice casino. He taped Imperial officers to their Star Destroyers. He taped Wampa-Ice Creatures to Tauntans. He taped Ssi-Rukk to their entechment machines.   
  
"You have a REALLY wonderful surprise waiting for you!"  
  
He went to Dathomir and taped the stupid Force-breathing lizard to a Rancor and watched it die a painful death.   
  
"There's a gift for ya'!" (Salmakia has a pet-peeve about that lizard...)  
  
He taped Hutts to their refrigerators.   
  
"I bet they're REALLY happy!"  
  
Han was very pleased with himself as they hauled him into the little white room.  
  
Meanwhile...in a dark Hangar.  
  
"Do you think they've forgotten us?"  
  
"Did anyone know we were here?"  
  
"I don't know...but I don't think they do now. Want to see what we can do when we're taped together?"  
  
"I have to pee."  
  
"Farmboy..."  
  
(Review for me? ::holds a threatening roll of Engine tape::) 


End file.
